To be honest….I don’t necessarily know where to begin. I guess I will start and be guided with the mere fact that you don’t know me and I don’t know you, so here’s my truth.
The first time I was molested I was about 7 years old. All I can remember is being scared and confused but partly thrilled and excited. I felt like it was my fault, that I should and could enjoy it because I put myself in the position to be “touched”. This early introduction to sexual motives and emotions propelled me into a different mindset at a very tender age. My mind, body and soul was taken over by misplaced, misguided, misunderstood passion.
I grew up on a small island in a large family that never told each other we loved each other because we were just expected to know. (Sometimes that felt like being on a small island all on your own.) – Thinking back this is probably one of the reasons I ventured out for some kind of, any kind of affection, from anyone at a very tender age. This desperation made me too trusting, gullible even and developed a VERY poor judge of character.
Growing up I knew I was different , I got in more trouble than my brothers and sisters did and for wayyyy worse stuff. Once is et the living room floor on fire with alcohol and lighter fluid just to see what it looked like in the shape of a heart. As far back as I can remember my problem child antics started early, I did all types of shit; it started with the house help, filling the gardener shoes with water and makka tree leaves, giving the maid clothes purposefully dirtied with markers, dirt and anything I could to wash. I started messing with boys at a tender (too tender) age, I lied all the time, stole from the family business and kids at school. I was getting suspended semester after semester and to top it all off underperforming in school.
I made a mockery of myself many times and what little friends I did have back then are far removed due to my inability to foster and keep meaningful relationships literally with anyone. I should’ve known my path would’ve led me to this point….where you may be wondering????
Completely…..positively…..absolutely 100% fucked in the head.
Life. Only. Got. Worse.